dear life, i win.

5 weeks away from writing?! what is that!
i apologize... i suck at sticking to this sometimes, but life has been busy. good busy, great busy!
exciting
fun
stressful
happy
imbibed at times
strong
changing

yup... those words pretty much cover it! Two visits from family members, back to training, buying a new car, selling my old car, redoing budgets because of that car and my re commitment to a paleo lifestyle, and yes... dating.

healthy dating... finally! aren't we all proud. im not ready to discuss much about this person unless we decide to move forward into a relationship, so for now know that i really enjoy building a great friendship with this person. and im happy with and without them. a first.

life is pretty freaking good. it has a manageable amount of stress, im healthier than ever and look great. im STRONG.

So much of my time this year has been reflective and finding true inner peace. Shakespeare's words form Hamlet "to thine own self be true" have resonated with me immensely. It has become my mantra. True happiness lies within ourselves, our true selves. No one else can love us if we do not love our self for who we really are. I have never been more content with life than i am now, and that is not because of any other person. other people have tried to spread lies about me, tear me down, which would normally break me to pieces. But for the first time, I know me and I don't care. I gave myself two birthday presents this month... a new car and a new tattoo. in the past because of my upbringing I've always felt guilty after getting another tattoo. for the first time ever... i felt happiness.

dear life,

i win.

lo

i am easily distracted

oooooh shiny object.

yup i am that girl. problem is, i try to take on too many things at once. i can zero in my focus on one thing for awhile, and then ill get distracted by something else that i want to do. in the past i was a workaholic, and every other aspect of my life suffered. i woke up one day 23 years old, burnt out, by myself and unhappy. i suck at balance.

the last few months i have spent my days working the job that keeps my bills paid, studying for certs, researching nutrition and training concepts, molding recipes for a paleo lifestyle, keeping up two blogs, trying to get back into the fitness field, building on friendships and becoming more active in my church. and im kinda failing.

im not failing at all of these things, just a few.but this is what i know... being in the gym keeps me happy and im totally myself. my work is filled with petty drama that causes undue stress. and thanks to life events that come up and bad planning on my part this past fall, im behind on taking my certs due to finances. so all this boiled down to one major priority... getting back to training. guess who has to redo their budget this week... this girl.

time to focus.

Going Under Reconstruction!

Hey folks- I'm reworking this blog so please be patient while I'm working on it! Thanks!

i am a badass

I said a bad word. whoops.

I've been feeling pretty awesome about my workouts these days. My upper body is absolutely the strongest its ever been. My legs are getting there but will take a bit more time. Remember when I said I wasn't quite the old me jumping around on boxes and killing it during a workout yet?

Well I'm back.

I was already pretty darn proud of my workout this morning. We're talking box jumps, box combos, plyo squats and finishing out with speedy super sets of deadlifts and squats. Killer... but seriously feeling accomplished at the end. But to make it even better this guy came up to me during my speed deadlifts. Now, normally I get pretty irritated by guys trying to make comments to me during deadlifts. Common I know what I look like aqnd why you're trying to talk to me. At least I wasn't in my usually spandex capris this time. But for once, this was sincere.

He commented that he sees me in the gym all the time doing some insane workouts and he doesn't usually see women in that gym doing workouts that intense and athletic. (let me interject a moment... we're at lifetime fitness, where the women are more worried about what they look like during the workouts then what they get out of it) He asked what I was training for exactly.

My response (always): "I want to be badass"

He laughed. "Well you already are. Keep it up." and walked away.

Freaking awesome. I AM BADASS!

smile.

{i have one incredible friend}

"Find the person that is going to tell you the truth, even if it means upsetting you.
That is your real friend."

Friendships can come out of some unexpected places. Some are an immediate connection from similar interest, and some take time to build. This one took time to build, but is absolutely worth it. Someone was looking out for me when I was blessed with this friend. They may be guarded and at times hard to read, but they have always told me the truth, and yes at times it has hurt.

There is something absolutely incredible to be said for a person who cares for you so much that they literally smack you upside the head with the truth on how you are acting and living your life, in order to help you. Especially when you're dealing with me: I'm feisty, defensive and easily irritated. You would think I'm talking about a friend who has known me for years right? I definitely have a few of those, but no, they are pretty rarely in my life these days because I live so far away. This is one of my newest friends. I am so blessed to have this friend in my life.

It was brought to my attention that I seem depressed and negative lately. That I'm wrapped up in the past and it's bringing me down. That I am the cause of my unhappiness. That I've been in a "perpetual cycle" for months. And that I also deserved to be happy.

After I was horrible to this person in response, getting defensive and brushing them off, it hit me. They were so so so right. And he is officially one of the most incredible friends I will ever have.

Thanks to him and his honesty, I'm turning the page. I'm choosing happiness. I went to the farmer's market, enjoyed the cows, made butternut squash soup... and beamed.

And this is just day one.

Oh the fun I will have!

I have officially entered back into the single and sometimes dating world. It's funny, I fear this world each time I initially enter back into it. However, I quickly remember the fun, freedom, and self realization that comes with it. Truth is, I get to enjoy little moments on my own. I can sit in the quiet, watch tv, drink a glass of wine and just... Be. My schedule is my own. I eat when I want, workout when I want, sleep when I want. Glorious.

The interesting part comes with dating. The best part is I get to flirt... shamelessly. I don't have to watch what I say out of respect for a significant other. These experiences can be charming, embarrassing, comical and lovely. And I'm going to start sharing a few. This will be fun.

And to start off... An awkward lunch date.

I ended up on a blind date with a firefighter. A very handsome firefighter. Normally this guy is my ideal. And here is proof that initial physical attraction can die quick. We had lunch at farm grill. He hadn't been there before and asked what I knew about Agritopia. I told him a quick history of the farm and restaurant. He made a snarky commerce along the lines of "must be nice to be rich." Oh boy. I just responded with its not always glamorous and happy. I left it at that. He asked if I was from Arizona, followed by my brief explanation that I was from dc but my family lives in new York now. And it went downhill from there. That began an hour long tangent by him about so many things and then he had to go. So basically the guy knows nothing about me and it was just weird.

Yup attraction killed by bad conversational skills.

NEXT!

Door is closed. Amazing and smiley.

Last post on this subject.
Ever.
And it is an immensely happy one.

I have actually moved on from the love that didn't work out.
I had an unfortunate run in.
I knot formed in my stomach.
Following a great friends advice, I didn't let it affect me.
Two seconds later and one big deep breath... The knot was gone.
My mind was clear.
My heart was clear.

This is true peace and happiness.

Yay.
:)