Scars

Everyone has scars. Some are physical, some are emotional. Physical scars don't really hurt once they heal, or even while they heal. They may just be a reminder of a good story, or a clumsy moment. No biggie. But emotional scars... they are a different breed. They are the scars on our hearts. The ones that hurt and throb while they heal. We never forget the cause of them. We never forget the punch on the gut and sharp pain in our chest as they tore a hole in our heart.

Even after that horrible lonely healing process is over, and the scar is left, things still happen and memories come to mind that press on the part of the scar that never healed right, and a tinge of pain kicks in. These scars change us forever. They affect all our future relationships, because no matter how much we face the past, fear of a repeat injury lingers.

I have this very deep wound in my heart, and I definitely have a few scars nearby it. That wound is healing at an excruciatingly slow pace, and yes I am at fault for some of that slowness. Apparently I'm a masichist and enjoy reopening the healing wound, over and over and over again. I kept trying to just stick a band aid on it. But the band aid is too small. And the only person who can stitch it closed, doesn't know how to.

I'm not playing with band aids anymore. They aren't working. I chose to close the door, well SLAM that door shut and put 5 locks on it. This saying finally hit me "Never make someone a priority, who only makes you their option." Admitting to myself that this was the true situation is horrible, demeaning, and lonely.

BUT I KNOW MY WORTH AND I AM TOP NOTCH!

So for now, I am healing like a burn victim. Slow and painful, and the scars will be a horrible reminder. But eventually I will be whole again. And my heart will be so full I won't notice the scar anymore, because it was left by someone who no longer matters. That was their mistake.

To every one of you who has held me, hugged me, prayed and loved me.... I love you so much. Thank you for every moment.