blessings in disguise

many years ago in counseling my therapist talked about the mind-body connection, and how our subconscious will remember anniversaries of traumatic or painful events even though we are not consciously thinking about them. often our moods and emotions begin to shift as anniversaries of these events near. I can think back to a couple of different years when i started feeling kinda crappy and all of sudden i realized march 9 was approaching or just passed (anniversary of mom passing) and I wasn't even thinking about it, but my body knew. My mothers birthday tends to run the same way, as the high tidings of Christmas begin to fade and mixed feelings of the new year approach and December 30th is thrown in the mix.

i have been stressed out recently and not really having reason too. Ok yes my world is super busy and moving 100 miles a minute. but that is all really truly GOOD. the stress begins as mothers day approached. ok march 9th may slip[ by somewhat quietly, however, an influx of commercials, store displays and friends chatting about mothers day plans NEVER allows that holiday to pass quietly. might i remind you i also work in a high volume restaurant, loved by moms in the area, and I worked that day?! Let's just say i faced the wall most of my shift since luckily that is my main view as an expediter. but mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks this year, in a way i had not felt since mother-daughter senior graduation luncheon in high school just a short 2 years after my mom passed. add to this stress that I have no family on this side of the country. i do have a loving group of friends as well as a few friends who share this pain on mothers day that with a simple "hands in the shape of a heart" gesture immediately know they are not alone. {blessing in disguise number 1} in addition... my "man friend" as he is referred to asked earlier in the week how i was handling the approach of mothers day after i brought up the subject in passing. one thing that is great about our friendship, he knows if i want tot talk about something i will. he does not push me into the difficult conversations. since we are early in the dating stage and moving slowly, i do not lean on him like i normally would, but i know he is there in an instant if needed. so when i was a bit off Sunday morning, he was the perfect silent support. he didn't even call his own mom until after i went to work (may not have been on purpose but perfect all the more. {blessing in disguise number 2}

the stress level rose from there however and my mind-body connection kicked in... my wedding date-to-be was approaching. not going to lie about this one, i honestly didn't care. I am so completely 100% certain that that wedding should never ever ever happen with that person. i have closed that door and never looked back. even when that door was knocked on, i ignored it. but my body still remember that pain and stress, panicky stress, rolled in. i tried to lean on my man friend who would let me if our schedules were so thrown apart at the moment. my panic was in the form of a fear of loss, because my subconscious remembered. i recognized it but had no clue how to get over it... i had to ride it out. i clung to blessing in disguise number 3... the one that reminded me that God truly is watching out for me and has a plan bigger than my own. (yup still kinda avoiding church though right now). i found out my ex fiancee lost his job recently. imagine going into a week before the wedding and your soon to be hubby lost his job?! holy stress monster! thank goodness I do not have to worry about that right now. Not that i expect life with my husband would be perfect but man oh man that situation would definitely suck.

so now i am relaxing, taking in the little joyous moments in life, and continuing to build self-awareness.

<3