People don't change... or do they?

We as society and especially in analyzing relationships love to throw around this concept of a person "not changing" which is usually said with disdain, or happily commenting on a person changing and now fitting into what we deem as respectable in their actions.

Ive mulled over this concept of "people changing" a lot over the years, either in respect to myself and my own growth, and in those i have relationships with (and failed :)) Here is my take on this concept:

People do NOT change. A person is inherently a certain way. They personality is mapped. What change sis one's self awareness. An awareness of who they are at the core. What they believe at the core. An awareness of events in their lives and how that has shaped them. Once this awareness arises, those who don't change their ACTIONS or HABITS are those that ignore who they are at the very core, or chose to believe that they cannot grow from this knowledge. Those we see as "changing" are those who have become aware, accepted who they are at the very core, and changed the way they REACT to certain situations. They are growing in their self awareness.

words on my heart

a collection of poems, lyrics, thoughts that are written on my heart and mind right now...

When along the pavement

palpitating flames of life

people flicker round me

I forget my bereavement

the gap in the great constellation

the place where a star used to be

-DH Lawrence

Doubt thou that the stars are fire

Doubt thou that the sun doth move

Doubt truth to be a liar

But never doubt that I love

-William Shakespeare

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

-Christina Perri

At what point do we speak our mind and ask for what we want... 

Without fear of an answer we don't want.

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. 

- Gandhi

 I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling

-Christina Perri

blessings in disguise

many years ago in counseling my therapist talked about the mind-body connection, and how our subconscious will remember anniversaries of traumatic or painful events even though we are not consciously thinking about them. often our moods and emotions begin to shift as anniversaries of these events near. I can think back to a couple of different years when i started feeling kinda crappy and all of sudden i realized march 9 was approaching or just passed (anniversary of mom passing) and I wasn't even thinking about it, but my body knew. My mothers birthday tends to run the same way, as the high tidings of Christmas begin to fade and mixed feelings of the new year approach and December 30th is thrown in the mix.

i have been stressed out recently and not really having reason too. Ok yes my world is super busy and moving 100 miles a minute. but that is all really truly GOOD. the stress begins as mothers day approached. ok march 9th may slip[ by somewhat quietly, however, an influx of commercials, store displays and friends chatting about mothers day plans NEVER allows that holiday to pass quietly. might i remind you i also work in a high volume restaurant, loved by moms in the area, and I worked that day?! Let's just say i faced the wall most of my shift since luckily that is my main view as an expediter. but mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks this year, in a way i had not felt since mother-daughter senior graduation luncheon in high school just a short 2 years after my mom passed. add to this stress that I have no family on this side of the country. i do have a loving group of friends as well as a few friends who share this pain on mothers day that with a simple "hands in the shape of a heart" gesture immediately know they are not alone. {blessing in disguise number 1} in addition... my "man friend" as he is referred to asked earlier in the week how i was handling the approach of mothers day after i brought up the subject in passing. one thing that is great about our friendship, he knows if i want tot talk about something i will. he does not push me into the difficult conversations. since we are early in the dating stage and moving slowly, i do not lean on him like i normally would, but i know he is there in an instant if needed. so when i was a bit off Sunday morning, he was the perfect silent support. he didn't even call his own mom until after i went to work (may not have been on purpose but perfect all the more. {blessing in disguise number 2}

the stress level rose from there however and my mind-body connection kicked in... my wedding date-to-be was approaching. not going to lie about this one, i honestly didn't care. I am so completely 100% certain that that wedding should never ever ever happen with that person. i have closed that door and never looked back. even when that door was knocked on, i ignored it. but my body still remember that pain and stress, panicky stress, rolled in. i tried to lean on my man friend who would let me if our schedules were so thrown apart at the moment. my panic was in the form of a fear of loss, because my subconscious remembered. i recognized it but had no clue how to get over it... i had to ride it out. i clung to blessing in disguise number 3... the one that reminded me that God truly is watching out for me and has a plan bigger than my own. (yup still kinda avoiding church though right now). i found out my ex fiancee lost his job recently. imagine going into a week before the wedding and your soon to be hubby lost his job?! holy stress monster! thank goodness I do not have to worry about that right now. Not that i expect life with my husband would be perfect but man oh man that situation would definitely suck.

so now i am relaxing, taking in the little joyous moments in life, and continuing to build self-awareness.

<3

dear life, i win.

5 weeks away from writing?! what is that!
i apologize... i suck at sticking to this sometimes, but life has been busy. good busy, great busy!
exciting
fun
stressful
happy
imbibed at times
strong
changing

yup... those words pretty much cover it! Two visits from family members, back to training, buying a new car, selling my old car, redoing budgets because of that car and my re commitment to a paleo lifestyle, and yes... dating.

healthy dating... finally! aren't we all proud. im not ready to discuss much about this person unless we decide to move forward into a relationship, so for now know that i really enjoy building a great friendship with this person. and im happy with and without them. a first.

life is pretty freaking good. it has a manageable amount of stress, im healthier than ever and look great. im STRONG.

So much of my time this year has been reflective and finding true inner peace. Shakespeare's words form Hamlet "to thine own self be true" have resonated with me immensely. It has become my mantra. True happiness lies within ourselves, our true selves. No one else can love us if we do not love our self for who we really are. I have never been more content with life than i am now, and that is not because of any other person. other people have tried to spread lies about me, tear me down, which would normally break me to pieces. But for the first time, I know me and I don't care. I gave myself two birthday presents this month... a new car and a new tattoo. in the past because of my upbringing I've always felt guilty after getting another tattoo. for the first time ever... i felt happiness.

dear life,

i win.

lo

i am easily distracted

oooooh shiny object.

yup i am that girl. problem is, i try to take on too many things at once. i can zero in my focus on one thing for awhile, and then ill get distracted by something else that i want to do. in the past i was a workaholic, and every other aspect of my life suffered. i woke up one day 23 years old, burnt out, by myself and unhappy. i suck at balance.

the last few months i have spent my days working the job that keeps my bills paid, studying for certs, researching nutrition and training concepts, molding recipes for a paleo lifestyle, keeping up two blogs, trying to get back into the fitness field, building on friendships and becoming more active in my church. and im kinda failing.

im not failing at all of these things, just a few.but this is what i know... being in the gym keeps me happy and im totally myself. my work is filled with petty drama that causes undue stress. and thanks to life events that come up and bad planning on my part this past fall, im behind on taking my certs due to finances. so all this boiled down to one major priority... getting back to training. guess who has to redo their budget this week... this girl.

time to focus.

Going Under Reconstruction!

Hey folks- I'm reworking this blog so please be patient while I'm working on it! Thanks!

i am a badass

I said a bad word. whoops.

I've been feeling pretty awesome about my workouts these days. My upper body is absolutely the strongest its ever been. My legs are getting there but will take a bit more time. Remember when I said I wasn't quite the old me jumping around on boxes and killing it during a workout yet?

Well I'm back.

I was already pretty darn proud of my workout this morning. We're talking box jumps, box combos, plyo squats and finishing out with speedy super sets of deadlifts and squats. Killer... but seriously feeling accomplished at the end. But to make it even better this guy came up to me during my speed deadlifts. Now, normally I get pretty irritated by guys trying to make comments to me during deadlifts. Common I know what I look like aqnd why you're trying to talk to me. At least I wasn't in my usually spandex capris this time. But for once, this was sincere.

He commented that he sees me in the gym all the time doing some insane workouts and he doesn't usually see women in that gym doing workouts that intense and athletic. (let me interject a moment... we're at lifetime fitness, where the women are more worried about what they look like during the workouts then what they get out of it) He asked what I was training for exactly.

My response (always): "I want to be badass"

He laughed. "Well you already are. Keep it up." and walked away.

Freaking awesome. I AM BADASS!

smile.