People don't change... or do they?

We as society and especially in analyzing relationships love to throw around this concept of a person "not changing" which is usually said with disdain, or happily commenting on a person changing and now fitting into what we deem as respectable in their actions.

Ive mulled over this concept of "people changing" a lot over the years, either in respect to myself and my own growth, and in those i have relationships with (and failed :)) Here is my take on this concept:

People do NOT change. A person is inherently a certain way. They personality is mapped. What change sis one's self awareness. An awareness of who they are at the core. What they believe at the core. An awareness of events in their lives and how that has shaped them. Once this awareness arises, those who don't change their ACTIONS or HABITS are those that ignore who they are at the very core, or chose to believe that they cannot grow from this knowledge. Those we see as "changing" are those who have become aware, accepted who they are at the very core, and changed the way they REACT to certain situations. They are growing in their self awareness.

words on my heart

a collection of poems, lyrics, thoughts that are written on my heart and mind right now...

When along the pavement

palpitating flames of life

people flicker round me

I forget my bereavement

the gap in the great constellation

the place where a star used to be

-DH Lawrence

Doubt thou that the stars are fire

Doubt thou that the sun doth move

Doubt truth to be a liar

But never doubt that I love

-William Shakespeare

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

-Christina Perri

At what point do we speak our mind and ask for what we want... 

Without fear of an answer we don't want.

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. 

- Gandhi

 I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling

-Christina Perri

blessings in disguise

many years ago in counseling my therapist talked about the mind-body connection, and how our subconscious will remember anniversaries of traumatic or painful events even though we are not consciously thinking about them. often our moods and emotions begin to shift as anniversaries of these events near. I can think back to a couple of different years when i started feeling kinda crappy and all of sudden i realized march 9 was approaching or just passed (anniversary of mom passing) and I wasn't even thinking about it, but my body knew. My mothers birthday tends to run the same way, as the high tidings of Christmas begin to fade and mixed feelings of the new year approach and December 30th is thrown in the mix.

i have been stressed out recently and not really having reason too. Ok yes my world is super busy and moving 100 miles a minute. but that is all really truly GOOD. the stress begins as mothers day approached. ok march 9th may slip[ by somewhat quietly, however, an influx of commercials, store displays and friends chatting about mothers day plans NEVER allows that holiday to pass quietly. might i remind you i also work in a high volume restaurant, loved by moms in the area, and I worked that day?! Let's just say i faced the wall most of my shift since luckily that is my main view as an expediter. but mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks this year, in a way i had not felt since mother-daughter senior graduation luncheon in high school just a short 2 years after my mom passed. add to this stress that I have no family on this side of the country. i do have a loving group of friends as well as a few friends who share this pain on mothers day that with a simple "hands in the shape of a heart" gesture immediately know they are not alone. {blessing in disguise number 1} in addition... my "man friend" as he is referred to asked earlier in the week how i was handling the approach of mothers day after i brought up the subject in passing. one thing that is great about our friendship, he knows if i want tot talk about something i will. he does not push me into the difficult conversations. since we are early in the dating stage and moving slowly, i do not lean on him like i normally would, but i know he is there in an instant if needed. so when i was a bit off Sunday morning, he was the perfect silent support. he didn't even call his own mom until after i went to work (may not have been on purpose but perfect all the more. {blessing in disguise number 2}

the stress level rose from there however and my mind-body connection kicked in... my wedding date-to-be was approaching. not going to lie about this one, i honestly didn't care. I am so completely 100% certain that that wedding should never ever ever happen with that person. i have closed that door and never looked back. even when that door was knocked on, i ignored it. but my body still remember that pain and stress, panicky stress, rolled in. i tried to lean on my man friend who would let me if our schedules were so thrown apart at the moment. my panic was in the form of a fear of loss, because my subconscious remembered. i recognized it but had no clue how to get over it... i had to ride it out. i clung to blessing in disguise number 3... the one that reminded me that God truly is watching out for me and has a plan bigger than my own. (yup still kinda avoiding church though right now). i found out my ex fiancee lost his job recently. imagine going into a week before the wedding and your soon to be hubby lost his job?! holy stress monster! thank goodness I do not have to worry about that right now. Not that i expect life with my husband would be perfect but man oh man that situation would definitely suck.

so now i am relaxing, taking in the little joyous moments in life, and continuing to build self-awareness.

<3

dear life, i win.

5 weeks away from writing?! what is that!
i apologize... i suck at sticking to this sometimes, but life has been busy. good busy, great busy!
exciting
fun
stressful
happy
imbibed at times
strong
changing

yup... those words pretty much cover it! Two visits from family members, back to training, buying a new car, selling my old car, redoing budgets because of that car and my re commitment to a paleo lifestyle, and yes... dating.

healthy dating... finally! aren't we all proud. im not ready to discuss much about this person unless we decide to move forward into a relationship, so for now know that i really enjoy building a great friendship with this person. and im happy with and without them. a first.

life is pretty freaking good. it has a manageable amount of stress, im healthier than ever and look great. im STRONG.

So much of my time this year has been reflective and finding true inner peace. Shakespeare's words form Hamlet "to thine own self be true" have resonated with me immensely. It has become my mantra. True happiness lies within ourselves, our true selves. No one else can love us if we do not love our self for who we really are. I have never been more content with life than i am now, and that is not because of any other person. other people have tried to spread lies about me, tear me down, which would normally break me to pieces. But for the first time, I know me and I don't care. I gave myself two birthday presents this month... a new car and a new tattoo. in the past because of my upbringing I've always felt guilty after getting another tattoo. for the first time ever... i felt happiness.

dear life,

i win.

lo

i am easily distracted

oooooh shiny object.

yup i am that girl. problem is, i try to take on too many things at once. i can zero in my focus on one thing for awhile, and then ill get distracted by something else that i want to do. in the past i was a workaholic, and every other aspect of my life suffered. i woke up one day 23 years old, burnt out, by myself and unhappy. i suck at balance.

the last few months i have spent my days working the job that keeps my bills paid, studying for certs, researching nutrition and training concepts, molding recipes for a paleo lifestyle, keeping up two blogs, trying to get back into the fitness field, building on friendships and becoming more active in my church. and im kinda failing.

im not failing at all of these things, just a few.but this is what i know... being in the gym keeps me happy and im totally myself. my work is filled with petty drama that causes undue stress. and thanks to life events that come up and bad planning on my part this past fall, im behind on taking my certs due to finances. so all this boiled down to one major priority... getting back to training. guess who has to redo their budget this week... this girl.

time to focus.

Going Under Reconstruction!

Hey folks- I'm reworking this blog so please be patient while I'm working on it! Thanks!

i am a badass

I said a bad word. whoops.

I've been feeling pretty awesome about my workouts these days. My upper body is absolutely the strongest its ever been. My legs are getting there but will take a bit more time. Remember when I said I wasn't quite the old me jumping around on boxes and killing it during a workout yet?

Well I'm back.

I was already pretty darn proud of my workout this morning. We're talking box jumps, box combos, plyo squats and finishing out with speedy super sets of deadlifts and squats. Killer... but seriously feeling accomplished at the end. But to make it even better this guy came up to me during my speed deadlifts. Now, normally I get pretty irritated by guys trying to make comments to me during deadlifts. Common I know what I look like aqnd why you're trying to talk to me. At least I wasn't in my usually spandex capris this time. But for once, this was sincere.

He commented that he sees me in the gym all the time doing some insane workouts and he doesn't usually see women in that gym doing workouts that intense and athletic. (let me interject a moment... we're at lifetime fitness, where the women are more worried about what they look like during the workouts then what they get out of it) He asked what I was training for exactly.

My response (always): "I want to be badass"

He laughed. "Well you already are. Keep it up." and walked away.

Freaking awesome. I AM BADASS!

smile.

{i have one incredible friend}

"Find the person that is going to tell you the truth, even if it means upsetting you.
That is your real friend."

Friendships can come out of some unexpected places. Some are an immediate connection from similar interest, and some take time to build. This one took time to build, but is absolutely worth it. Someone was looking out for me when I was blessed with this friend. They may be guarded and at times hard to read, but they have always told me the truth, and yes at times it has hurt.

There is something absolutely incredible to be said for a person who cares for you so much that they literally smack you upside the head with the truth on how you are acting and living your life, in order to help you. Especially when you're dealing with me: I'm feisty, defensive and easily irritated. You would think I'm talking about a friend who has known me for years right? I definitely have a few of those, but no, they are pretty rarely in my life these days because I live so far away. This is one of my newest friends. I am so blessed to have this friend in my life.

It was brought to my attention that I seem depressed and negative lately. That I'm wrapped up in the past and it's bringing me down. That I am the cause of my unhappiness. That I've been in a "perpetual cycle" for months. And that I also deserved to be happy.

After I was horrible to this person in response, getting defensive and brushing them off, it hit me. They were so so so right. And he is officially one of the most incredible friends I will ever have.

Thanks to him and his honesty, I'm turning the page. I'm choosing happiness. I went to the farmer's market, enjoyed the cows, made butternut squash soup... and beamed.

And this is just day one.

Oh the fun I will have!

I have officially entered back into the single and sometimes dating world. It's funny, I fear this world each time I initially enter back into it. However, I quickly remember the fun, freedom, and self realization that comes with it. Truth is, I get to enjoy little moments on my own. I can sit in the quiet, watch tv, drink a glass of wine and just... Be. My schedule is my own. I eat when I want, workout when I want, sleep when I want. Glorious.

The interesting part comes with dating. The best part is I get to flirt... shamelessly. I don't have to watch what I say out of respect for a significant other. These experiences can be charming, embarrassing, comical and lovely. And I'm going to start sharing a few. This will be fun.

And to start off... An awkward lunch date.

I ended up on a blind date with a firefighter. A very handsome firefighter. Normally this guy is my ideal. And here is proof that initial physical attraction can die quick. We had lunch at farm grill. He hadn't been there before and asked what I knew about Agritopia. I told him a quick history of the farm and restaurant. He made a snarky commerce along the lines of "must be nice to be rich." Oh boy. I just responded with its not always glamorous and happy. I left it at that. He asked if I was from Arizona, followed by my brief explanation that I was from dc but my family lives in new York now. And it went downhill from there. That began an hour long tangent by him about so many things and then he had to go. So basically the guy knows nothing about me and it was just weird.

Yup attraction killed by bad conversational skills.

NEXT!

Door is closed. Amazing and smiley.

Last post on this subject.
Ever.
And it is an immensely happy one.

I have actually moved on from the love that didn't work out.
I had an unfortunate run in.
I knot formed in my stomach.
Following a great friends advice, I didn't let it affect me.
Two seconds later and one big deep breath... The knot was gone.
My mind was clear.
My heart was clear.

This is true peace and happiness.

Yay.
:)

{faces}

{I was in a silly picture taking mood yesterday}

The Health and Fitness posts are moving!

Hey friends!

I'm going to relaunch trainerlolo.com today! If you're looking for any health, fitness and nutrition posts or information go to that site starting tomorrow.

I'm making my way back into the fitness and nutrition world and this is one of my steps I'm taking.

Enjoy!

trainerlolo.com

10 truths {round three}

1. I think Bon Iver's "Rosyln" is one of the most beautiful songs... EVER. It brings a great calm over me. (note: the link brings you to the only album on iTunes that has it but that whole album is pretty dang awesome. Don't make fun I know its a twilight movie!)


2. I think my dog is the raddest companion. She's my baby and the cutest pup.
3. I love wearing my workout clothes all... day... long. especially if they are lululemon.

4. I'm getting more perturbed at the fact that this new Mormon temple being built is starting to block my gorgeous mountain view... that God made on his own. :( Seems a bit hypocritical. Just my opinion.

5. I secretly wish I was better about writing thank you notes. I was raised better than that.

6. Everyone gets dealt a bad hand once in a while. It's what makes you stronger.

7. My addiction to Pinterest was over in about a week.

8. I actually hate running. I'm too ADD for it. I just do it because it feels great when I'm done.

9. This is the first time I have moved on from a real heartbreak without just moving on to someone else. I moved on to myself.

10. The greatest truth of all:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:1-8

My leap list

A leap list is a list of things you want to do or conquer before your next life milestone like marriage, graduation or a baby for example. My leap list is before I get married. I may do these things on my own, with friends or with someone special.

1. Run a full marathon in San Diego.
2. Spend a week in San Francisco.
3. Go to Disneyworld or Disneyland as an adult... Aka a big kid.
4. Go to Africa to serve the hungry and sick children.
5. See Coldplay live. Again.
6. Visit Colorado and take in the beauty.
7. Drink wine in Sonoma.
8. Hot air balloon ride in one of many places...

Lauren:Awakened {getting off the carousel}

Isn't this carousel GORGEOUS?!

As a little girl I spent many weekends on this exact carousel at Glen Echo Park in Maryland. All the pretty colors, bright lights and mirrors, it is a quite a sight and so amazing that it has lasted 90 years, an amazing piece of Metropolitan DC history.

My life became a non-stop carousel ride May 9th, 2001.
Trust me... that is NOT a happy place.
That day my Mom lost a long battle with cancer.

Now, I'm not going to describe every detail of how that changed my family and our lives, but you can imagine the change in my father after he lost the love of his life and best friend. My younger sister motherless and not even 13 years old. And I was on the verge of turning 16, without my mother to guide me into adulthood.

Immediately a hole began to form in my being. Over the past 11 years i have tried many ways to fill that hole, starting with a serious boyfriend in high school you couldnt tear me away from, then my first year in New Orleans at college was filled with partying waaay too much, another boyfriend who left me and it destroyed me, and into a cycle of different addictions (drugs, alcohol, love, exercise, etc) over the next few years. And now into my adult years turned into a love addiction. I would fall hard and fast for someone, then when it blew up it would be dragged out because "I couldn't live life without them, even just as my friend."

Any of my psychology friends know what this is? I do now.

I have learned SO MUCH about who I am these last few months. But the greatest realization, came early this week...

...here's the carousel:
Those horses in the middle row of the carousel move up and down as the carousel moves round and round. This is me in relationships. It hits a point where it is not going to move in the CORRECT forward motion and the carousel begins. We keep going around and around trying to fix things and the ups and down get worse and worse. Now a NORMAL person would just get off the dang thing right? Well I don't. Formerly trying to fill a hole with someone else who can't fill it, I held on tight.

But I just got off the stupid carousel of my former relationships. And it feels amazing. Its never going to happen again because I know myself and what is healthy and interdependent instead of codependent.
...

I am so excited for the future and what it may bring. I am hopeful and open. I have truly let go of the past and that person so I can be available to the next. But until he finds me, I'm having a blast with friends and this great world God has given me to experience. I can listen to Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years" and smile instead of cry.

I am joyful.

Welcome to... Lauren:Awakened

Most Inspiring Video Ever!!!

BAH HA HA HA HA HA

Happy Wednesday

<3 Lo

You cannot let me down

There is an old sex and the city episode where charlotte talks about her list of requirements for the man she will date and eventually marry. People tend to have a negative idea about people with high standards. There is nothing wrong with high standards especially when these standards involved respect and how you are treated. But you better meet your own standards

too!

My standards do not involve what kind of job you have. I have dated successful people and that was their whole life. I also know some super awesome successful people so I'm not knocking on all you guys!

My standards do not involve how much money you have, but how you manage it. I'm not always the best at this so if you're not great at it either... Were in trouble.

My standards do not involve your relationship with your family. If you're super close to them, that's fantastic. But my family is complex and if yours is too, I get it. I've dated the person with the super tight knit family, and they were horrible to me.

The short list: be respectful, carry a conversation, know who you are, don't be afraid to love.

My gold standard: don't EVER let me down. I ask one thing... Always be there for me. I promise I will always be there for you; drop everything and come running if needed.

Have you ever ended up in the hospital by yourself? I have... Twice. It is a horrible feeling. I'll never do that to you if you never do that to me.

I was with "Mr everything" but looking back I see how that's not true. Old fashioned chivalry is not everything. Flowers, gifts, travel and dinners are mere smoke screens. Because when you are abandoned at your most vulnerable, weakest moment. That love is nothing. Your high standards are nothing. And that Mr everything raised my standards... To what he couldn't give me...

Don't ever let me down.

...Now on to finding you...

Reflections

Last year I loved immensely.

I stopped looking for an identity and instead started to find me.

I let a person know every bit of me and my life.

I found a second family.

I fell in love with Gilbert Arizona.

I took a turn at a new passion only to lead back to an old one.

I held a newborn.

I spoke my mind even when it wasn't warranted.

I left one way friendships.

I went out of my comfort zone and then crawled back in.

I found God.